Writing Thank You Notes After Funeral

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After the death of a loved one, attending to the niceties of etiquette might be the last thing you want to do. Nevertheless, it's an important part of life to acknowledge others' kindness in times of grief and hardship. Sending a short, simple thank you note is not only basic etiquette, but also a thoughtful way to convey your appreciation for those who were involved in the lives of your late loved one.

Sample Messages

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Speak from the heart. Let the person know how much it meant to you that they were there for you during your time of need and that it meant a lot to you that they contributed in some way. There are many ways to approach the wording in your thank you notes, and all of them depend on what the person did for you and your loved ones. You might simply write two sentences thanking them for thinking of you at this time of great loss in your life and letting them know that it meant a lot to you.^[1]
- If you are especially close to the person you're thanking, feel free to include a personal anecdote or story from the deceased's life, if you share one with whomever you're thanking. Personalizing your thank you notes is always a nice touch, but certainly don't feel that you must do this.
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Be specific. ^[2] In your thank you notes, reference specifically what the person or group you're thanking contributed after your loved one passed. Whether it was a meal, flowers, or a memorial donation in their honor, specify what you're thanking them for and let them know that their thoughtfulness meant a lot to you.^[3]
- Begin your thank you note generally and build to more specifics. For example, good starting points would say something general, such as "Thank you for your kindness during this difficult time" or "Our family appreciates your support during this difficult time."^[4]
- Then you can build to how they helped you specifically. After thanking them for their kindness if they delivered a meal, for example, you might say something like "The meal you sent us was wonderful because it made one less thing for me to worry about. We truly appreciated it." The key is to thank them for their specific contribution.^[5]
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Avoid mentioning specific dollar amounts. If you're writing a thank you note to someone who gave a monetary donation in memory of your loved one, thank them for their donation, but don't mention how much they gave. Simply say that you are thankful for their generosity in honoring your deceased loved one.^[6]
- Good phrasing for a monetary donation might read like "Thank you for your generosity in our time of grief. The donation in honor of [deceased's name] means a lot to us." This way you convey your appreciation without mentioned how much they gave.^[7]
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Don't feel obligated to write long, detailed notes. Two or three sentences is sufficient to communicate your gratitude. The act of actually taking time to send individual thank you notes speaks volumes about how thankful you are. Don't feel like you need to write long paragraphs to communicate your thankfulness.^[8]
- Sign the notes either with your own name or "Family of [Deceased's Name]."
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Try to send them within two weeks. General etiquette rules dictate that you need to send thank you notes within two weeks of the funeral. Your friends and loved ones know you're grieving, so if you take longer to send the notes out, don't worry. A late thank you note is better than no thank you note at all.^[9]
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Solicit help if you need it. If the prospect of thanking dozens of people after the death of a loved one feels overwhelming, don't hesitate to ask those around you for help. Even if it's sending someone to the post office to buy you stamps or envelopes, delegate tasks to close friends or family members.^[10]
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Remember that thank you notes are not a requirement. Finally, don't feel bad if you don't get around to thank you notes. While they are a key component of good etiquette, during times of grief, etiquette can take a backseat to our mourning. So if you can't emotionally get through the thank you notes, don't beat yourself up for not finishing them.

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Question

What do you write in a thank you card after a funeral?

Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.

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Expert Answer

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I would address the person by name, then thank them for whatever it is they did, whether that was sending flowers, helping with arrangements, or just being at the funeral. Conclude the card by letting them know you appreciate their kindness. Finally, tell them you look forward to seeing them again.
Question

Should I sign or write something additional on a pre-printed thank you card from the funeral home?

Only if you want to, perhaps to a special person or someone who did something special, such as read or sang at the funeral or helped with the wake or something. It is not really expected as people know you have suffered a loss, but a quick line for a special thing done or extra generous memorial donation would be fine.
Question

How do I sign the letter?

As it says above, sign the notes either with your own name or "Family of [Deceased's Name]."
Question

I have some beautiful blank note cards with my Mother's name imprinted on the front of the card. Since she was the one who passed, would it be appropriate to use those cards instead of using ones with "thank you" on the front? I can't afford to buy new cards, so I thought this might be okay.

Yes, you can definitely use the blank cards with your mother's name on them. On the inside message you can express your thanks to whomever you send the cards.
Question

Who is the proper person to thank for funeral flowers that came from a group?

Write a thank you note to the group, not one person. Send the note to the leader or someone you know that is involved. Be sure to address the entire group, as the note will be shared with the group.
Question

What is the best way to write a thank you note after receiving funeral flowers? Should I describe the type of flowers I received?

Write something like this: "I wanted to thank you for the flowers you sent me. They were very thoughtful." If the flowers carried a meaning you're away of, then you could make a mention of that (see the meaning of flowers) or you could mention that they were the deceased's favorite, if this was the truth, such as: "Thank you for the flowers. They were Marie-Claire's favorites. I know she'd have appreciated your caring thoughts."
Question

How do I thank a friend of my brother's for paying for and preparing the after funeral meal?

I've written something along the lines of: "Thank you for the kindness and caring you showed in providing such a delicious dinner. Your love for [the deceased] was so sincere in every dish - and all homemade! For many of us, this was the first real meal we could sit down and enjoy since s/he passed. Your thoughtfulness is so appreciated. Sincerely, the ___ Family"
Question

What do I say to the undertaker who organized the funeral?

Thank them for their time and compliment them on their planning abilities. A phone call, letter, or quick in-person visit will do.
Question

What do I say to the person who performed the music for the service?

Say something like: Thank you so much for generously donating your time and beautiful talent at such a difficult time for me, it's greatly appreciated.
Question

How do I write a thank you to a Sunday school class for their sympathy and a memorial?

Say thank you by going in person into their class. You could award small prizes such as a piece of jewelry, a book, a gift voucher, etc. to class members who were particularly helpful. Or, throw the whole class a morning tea.

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Don't try to do everything yourself. Try to enlist the help of willing family members and close friends. Writing thank you notes might help you with your grief, but it can be hard to focus on tasks after a major loss. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

What You'll Need

Notepad
Pen
Thank you cards or stationery
Stamps

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Article SummaryX

To write a thank you note to someone after a funeral, write a few sentences thanking them for thinking of you during this hard time and letting them know it meant a lot to you. If you're close to the person, you could include an anecdote or story from the deceased's life to make the note more personal. It's also nice if you mention what the person contributed after your loss, whether it was flowers, food, or a donation. For more advice, like how to prepare and send your thank you notes, keep reading.

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